Letting Go?
As others that are on the journey of having their own rainbow, mine has come to an end. I am starting to realize that maybe I just need to let go of the dream I have had since I was little. I just need to accept the fact I was at least able to help raise an amazing step daughter.
No matter how hard I try each month I face the same heartbreak. This month I thought it would be different and I thought my journey for my rainbow was here. But the test this morning decided to tell me otherwise. Now I face that same heartbreak that I have every month before. I can barely stand to watch the news anymore. It seems that the news that I focus on the most is those that are tossing out their children like trash. I always tell myself I wish I could just take the child and show it the love that it deserves. And here I am with the wish of being nothing more than just a mother. I know I have done an amazing job with my stepdaughter, but I still have that emptiness of not having my own. I know on this journey that I am on that I am not alone. But some days it feels like I am very alone. No matter how hard I try I can't keep putting on that fake smile I have grown to be known for. So, besides my horrible check up yesterday at the doctor for my knee, some of her words are ringing deep and I have to decide if I shall go back on my weight loss journey. Along with that journey I shall empty out the room that was all set up for the baby. Instead of having this room I cannot bare to go into alone, I'll make it into a craft room and sell or donate all the items I had collected for the baby. And who knows, that might be a good closer. As I sit here, realizing I need a new dream, my eyes begin to fill with water and a lump forms in the back of my throat. How does one begin to let go of a dream they have had since they were little?
... (days later) ...
So I started this entry a couple of days ago and my heart is still breaking. My eyes still fill with water. How can I give up a dream that I've had so long? I sit and wonder how hard this is gonna be and how long of a battle this is gonna be. I'm an only child, so I feel I somehow have to let my parents know that my dream has been let go of, but I don't think I can. I also have to find a way to let my mother-in-law know, so she will stop asking when she is going to have another grandchild. So I guess this dream-ending is not gonna be easy but I think that first of all I need to focus on letting myself come to terms with it, before letting others know, so they can come to terms with it. As I am working on this entry my heart beats but it's a broken beat. I hold my necklace the hospital gave me when I miscarried and let my angel know, "mommy misses you angel." I look into the sky and see so many stars shining and I wonder which one of them is looking down at me. Please, my angel, help mommy on this journey. She will need help from you. I need the strength for whichever path I take.
... (months later) ...
It has been almost two months since I have started this entry and each day I am still fight letting go of this dream. Each month I am still faced with heart break and I'm at the point I don't think I can let it go. I don't want to let it go. But what if letting it go means I will be able to achieve some sort of happiness? Even if it is empty happiness. I cannot keep letting myself go through getting my hopes up, just to have them crashed down. The months I don't get my hopes up my period is late, and then my hopes go up only to crash down a couple days later. This month even crushed my hopes. My cycle started early but only lasted a day. Tests said negative, so there went those hopes again. I have looked up on the internet about giving up ones dreams and everything says DON'T. I am a big sign believer. I have had this obsession with this one star for months now and always taking pictures of it. The other night I was outside, with the husband, and I pointed it out to him and he reminded me the night we came home from the hospital that was the only star in the sky. That star is my Angel. Now, I have only to figure out what to do next.
So normally, I try to keep my thoughts in line. I do a bubble flow chart, otherwise I have a tendency to let my mind run off. So what I'm gonna do is attempt to get my thoughts out without my bubble chart. So forewarning. The floor of the blog is not gonna be the best and it is going to jump all over the place, as I just let my mind take control. So far this week I have had to go through a lot of ups and downs personally.
It started with a jury selection for a murder trial of a family friend that was murdered over a mere $400. So I've been watching that murder trial online as it streams live and it has not been the easiest to see, as they have shown his final moments in life through security footage. Right now the jury is out deliberating. They did the closing arguments, so I'm just waiting for that to come back and hopefully justice is served. The sad part is it wasn't a random act. The guy that did it was supposedly his best friend. So then I can sit there and think to myself is that why I don't let people get close to me? Because I don't want them to hurt me?
Yeah, I let my husband close because he's my husband and my best friend. I love him with all my heart and soul. . No matter what I'm going through, I can at least talk to my husband about anything and he'll listen. I have talked to my husband about my cycle and he just sit s there and listen through it. I've had him stand in the middle of the living room and just hold me while I break down and cry over anything. Having anxiety and depression can be bumpy ride. I remember when we first started dating before living together my grandfather had gotten really sick and wasn't going to make it. I had called Sean up crying because when my grandfather did pass. At the time Sean and I lived a hour and half apart. I remember Sean telling me he had to let me go when i was crying to him. I got upset with him because I needed him to be that ear that I could cry to. I know he had to work the next night and he would work 12 hour shifts. I remember laying in bed crying and trying to comfort myself. After a hour I remember going outside to let the dog out and there he was pulling up to the house. He didn't want me to know that he was driving up to be with me and comfort me. I fell in love with him even more that moment. He would make other surprise visits to see me and each time I would feel like I was on cloud nine.
He stayed and held me til I fell asleep. I remember falling asleep feeling safe and not a care in the world. From that moment things started to move forward at our own pace. We moved in together. But it wouldn't be for several years that we would decide that we wanted to get married. Our wedding was the most laid back wedding. The wedding planning took almost a year and had several bumps to it. First had to change my maid of honor a month from the wedding date. Then I had to change a bridesmaid the week of the wedding, after all the bulletins had be printed. So we had to sit and white out the bulletins than write the name change. It didn't look the best, but it is what it is. The wedding went really smooth... even though I almost passed out. The pastor had us move and face everyone and when I saw everyone I started to get light headed. At the reception we forgot to cut the cake until later when everyone had eaten and we had our dance. The next thing we knew it was time to tear down and pack it all up.
And now I'm sitting at the doctors office, waiting to get my knee checked out again and my mind just goes completely blank; more than likely cause at any moment someone will either call my name or come into the room and throw off any train of thought I had for the moment.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered what it would be like to be seen through someone else's eyes? I do almost daily. I don't like the number I see on the scale; don't like the reflection in the mirror. I watch what I eat and doesn't seem to matter.
There are days I love myself then there's days I don't, but that's part of my uphill battle I am on. I am hoping that once my knee gets fixed it will be easier for me to continue on my uphill battle.
From time to time I will be having posts that is just my randomness at its finest because when I have a mind full I cant seem to shut it off when spilling it out. I know my randomness is hard to follow because it jumps everywhere and I am sorry about that and will try not to post too many randomness blogs.
If you have made it this far I thank you for taking the time to read and sticking with me.
The Daughter I Have
So this past month I have entered this darkness and shut all windows and doors to my darkness. I've tried to come out of this hell but each time I try, something closes that door I just opened. My step daughter lives with her mom, about a hour and half away, and we make attempts every week during the school year to get her for a weekend and we get denied because her mother makes last minute plans and we step back and don't make her cancel the plans... even if it was on the weekend we were suppose to have her. We were suppose to pick her up on the 4th of June and that got denied because her mother started some serious drama and I wouldn't listen or allow her drama to cause problems for us. She has now turned my stepdaughter against us. We haven't spoken with her since the 2nd of June. We have still attempted, but her mother made sure that we are hated and despised.
So that all happened and I had to cancel everything for her birthday party and felt like an ass doing it. My stepdaughter was so happy when we were planning her birthday party and ordering the personalized cake. We had even planned the birthday party to be a week before her birthday so her mother could have her on the day of the actual birthday. I thought we were being nice by doing that. But the woman in all her drama turned that to be a selfish thing that we were doing. She thinks that she isn't hurting my stepdaughter in any of the games she has played since I have been in the picture, but I know my stepdaughter is hurting by it. She has told me. I still remember when Sean and I first started dating and her mom would tell my stepdaughter that I'm a whore and a bitch. So my stepdaughter tried to call me a whore when she was 2 1/2 and that was put to a stop, fast.
I have always tried to communicate with her (the mother) and she breaks the communication and somehow finds a way to blame us and make us to be the bad people in it all. Sometimes I just feel it would be easier to back away and send cards and letters and wait for my step daughter to want to know the truth and see the text messages and hear the calls. I have never lied to her and never will. If she wants to know something, I will tell her and give her all the resources and let her makeup her own mind on things. But before I get much more upset over that subject, I'm gonna move on to the next that has me shut down and locked away.
My Hope to Bear
The next for the "darkness and closed windows" is the struggle with trying to convince again and everyone rubbing pregnancy in my face and making me feel worse than I already do. Yes I know my age and yes I still want a child of my own. I'm not that old to where I can't have one. I don't need to be reminded daily of your thoughts on me having or trying to have a child. I cry myself to sleep enough over it. Ugh. Just thinking of it makes me want to cry and scream.
One of the things that I work with. (I call her a thing because I just can't see eye to eye with her or the things she does.) She thinks that each time she sees me that she has to make comments about me wanting to have a child with my husband. She even made the comment to me that if she got pregnant from her side guy she would go across the border and have an abortion. Why in the world would you say that to someone that is trying to conceive? I would never cheat on her husband, and I don't need to hear about your sex life with how many other guys. Not my thing. Never will be. I don't understand why people get married if they can't be faithful. If your gonna keep cheating on your spouse than get a divorce and save everyone the inevitable heartbreak and drama.
Mother, By Name
Next on my list is realizing I don't mean shit to my mother unless she has the time for me. There is a family friend that got sick and is in the hospital in a coma and from what I heard it's not good. He had a blood clot on the brain. But she didn't tell me until a week later and then just said it like I shouldn't care. (Insert eye roll.) I'm sick of people thinking I won't care or just avoiding me
I'm Not a Doormat
So that leads to next on my list. Everyone avoiding me or not telling me plans change until after the time has come... or always ignoring my calls and texts, except if they need me, because I'm there and answer my phone and texts. But the night I'm sitting outside in the grass crying so hard because I feel so worthless not one person returns my call or text. And none of them even bothered to ask me a week later what I needed. I know I have said this in one of the blogs or somewhere that I am a plus size girl. I'm not huge but I am considered plus size. One of the people I thought was a good friend made some comments about me and not realizing I could see the comments. I sent them a message playing it off as a joke and they tried to say they thought it was someone else that they joke with. That would've been believable had my face not been in the phone and the person and I don't dress alike. Ugh! People!
I am always the first to volunteer to help friends or be there to listen or comfort them. But when I need help or an ear I'm last one everyone's list. I have needed help moving a set of outdoor steps for almost two months now and was told they would help but that never happened so now trying to figure something else out so I can just do it on my own.
My Own Prison
The final thing on my "darkness and closed windows" is myself. When so much goes wrong I can't help but to sit and think it's because of me. Maybe I'm over reacting or maybe I am not as good of a friend as I thought I was. I guess the saying "you are your own worst enemy" is what fits here.
Everyday it feels like I have this constant reminder that my body is failing me as a woman. Growing up you get pushed into believing women make babies because that's what their bodies do. But no one explains to you that your body can fail you. From the time I was little, the only thing I ever wanted was to be a mom; a mom to my own child that I have carried and protected.
I have been with my husband 12 years and my body keeps failing me, either with miscarriage or by just not conceiving. I have this current struggle of trying to hold onto my dream... the dream of being a mom to a child I have carried.
I am a wonderful step mom to an amazing almost-14 year old. There is a special bond between us, but still a void of my dream. It seems that daily I'm reminded of my body failing me by the news. So many poor souls getting tossed out like trash and murdered. Each news article brings me to tears for the poor soul. A child is only suppose to know love and nothing but love.
The past while my body has been playing some cruel jokes on me each month. My cycles are regular and they have always come on the day they are supposed to, but lately they have been two to five days late. I went for a check up and nothing is wrong with me and they say there is no reason we shouldn't be conceiving. Hearing that makes my heart break even more.
Does it mean that because nothing is wrong we just don't deserve a child? Does it mean I can't fulfill my dream of being a mother to a child I carry? Yes, I realize I sound pretty selfish right now but until you have walked in my shoes and dealt with the heart break that I have, you have no room to talk. Did you know that 3 out of 4 women go through a miscarriage or stillbirth? And most of them have to sit in silence and go through it alone because people are cruel and don't understand that it's not always the mother's fault for it happening. When I first had mine, the comments that bothered me the most was them saying I must have "done something wrong" for it to happen.
No, it's not always the mother's fault. Yes, I know there are times it is but mine wasn't. The baby just stopped growing and from the start would just mimic my heartbeat when it should of had its own beat pattern with higher beats per minute than mine. My miscarriage was nothing I could of done different to prevent. I made sure to ask. When I was going through the labor of losing our Angel. We were only 9 and half weeks along so we didn't know the sex of our Angel. I refused to take anything for the pain, as I kept blaming myself saying I must have done something wrong and was assured. I checked and checked and nothing I did was wrong.
It took me over 4 hours to finally take something that would help with the pain. I still kept wanting to hold on to that little glimmer of hope that the doctors were wrong and that my baby had a heartbeat of its own. But the truth was our Angel didn't have one. No matter how many tears I shed nothing would change it. No matter how much pain I went through, our Angel wasn't coming back. I remember riding home with my husband that night and when we got home seeing this bright star just flickering in the sky with no other star around. That was our Angel, telling mommy that he/she made it and he/she will be here when your time comes but not any sooner.
I still look up to the sky at night and talk with the stars as if they can hear me. As I am looking up to the stars I pray. I don't care who can hear me when I am doing it as I don't whisper it or just talk in my mind; I actually speak to the stars. It helps me find some sort of calming. It reminds me of a time when I was little and you learn the wishing star saying. "I wish I may, I wish I might, I wish upon the first star I see tonight." After that then I speak either my wish or my prayer.
If anyone is going threw the loss of a miscarriage or having troubles conceiving, please know that you are not alone and that there is always someone that you can talk with. You need to have someone that will listen or relate to you. Please don't be afraid to message me if you are needing someone to listen or if you have questions. I am always willing to listen and help someone else going threw the journey. On this journey and starting to blog I have gained a brother that I have never physically met but he has my back and I'm thankful that he's there pushing me to blog more and share what I'm going threw with people.
This is my story..... I have to take a deep breath before I allow myself to start typing. Maybe I'll start simple. My parents met each other in college. I wouldn't say they were in love but they ended up getting married in August of 82. Just a few months later, in December, I was brought into this world. I was instantly a daddy's girl. My dad was a Marine and after his discharge, he joined the guards, and he worked on the road in the family construction company. He wasn't home every day but when he came home I was glued to him. I am an only child of both of my parents and it shows by how close I am with my father. A few years after I was born they divorced, as things weren't great between them.
Now fast forward to the summer when I was 6. My cousin, who is 9 1/2 months younger than me, was having to go stay at his dad's house. His parents were divorced too. Anyways, he wanted me to stay with him because we were close. My mom said okay and went out with her boyfriend for the night. And that night my life was never the same. I went through 12 hours of hell and am only alive because of my cousin. I'm not going into details, as I don't feel like ripping that band-aid off to relive that pain and nightmare, but you can about imagine.
I remember when the cops finally got there I was so scared and crying. One of the officers was trying to get me to the ambulance and I was scream bloody murder. My aunt showed up, my cousins mom, and held me. The officer took his dark blue button up shirt off and put it around me. My aunt said she would take me to the hospital but wanted to find my mom. The cop followed us, I guess to make sure we went to the hospital. We found my mom and her boyfriend outside of a bar. I blacked out or my mind just won't let me remember if they got in the vehicle or what.
The next thing I remember is at the hospital both my grandfathers having to help hold me down and tears running down their face. The doctors were trying their best to be gentle but nothing seemed to be gentle. I remember the anger in my family's eyes and voices. I first thought I did something wrong and it took months for me to realize it wasn't my fault. They tried to send me to counseling but I hated the lady who wanted me to relive it, so I stopped going after a couple of sessions. When I finally met with my lawyer, she was nice and I opened up to her and told her everything. She made sure I was safe when in the office with her. I remember when the trial started I didn't have to be there as they recorded me and her talking. I didn't have to go to the trial, I think it was a mix of my age and the trauma they wanted to avoid it causing. They had my mother there to speak on my behalf. I have the court papers but have only skimmed threw them so I'm not sure if she had to go over everything that happened or just had to be there on my behalf. After that things seemed to go down for my mom; she drank more.
I guess I kinda skipped that from the divorce my mom got custody of me, as my dad thought it was for the best since he was on the road so much and felt I deserved to be with an at home parent more. Now don't get me wrong, my mom was a good mom. There were just a lot of memories of her drinking or what happened when she had been drinking. I remember the one time her and her boyfriend (at the time) had gotten into a fight over something and she ended up cutting herself after he left. The next day I cleaned the mess off of the floor boards and wall. It was never talked about again.
Sometimes I did feel like her drinking was more important than me. I never could talk with her about it because it would turn into a screaming match. A lot of the time I felt truly that she didn't love me or hated the fact I was alive. If she had a bad day and cleaning needed to be done she would yell at me and say things that hurt deeply. Still to this day I can't stand being called a princess or anything like that. And if I would cry she would make comments. I have always been on the plus size. She would tell me all the time about dieting and walking and say we were gonna do it together because she was on the plus size as well but it wouldn't last long and never did go walking. Still after all these years she makes comments about my size... even though she's gotten bigger. I still feel as if she doesn't want me as her daughter. There were times I could tell she loved me. When I had surgery she was there and wouldn't leave my side.
I never could wait to move away, so when I got the chance I moved to Nebraska. I was only there a year and had to come back due to messing up my ankle. It seemed to be going okay but there was always those moments she would pick on me or make comments to me.
I met my husband and things moved pretty quickly with him. We started dating on May 29th and by Middle of July were living together. I'm thankful for him. My mother didn't always like him because she kept saying he was taking me away from her. But that wasn't the case. He and I moved to his home town. We weren't happy being in that town. I couldn't find a job like I had in my hometown and he hated the town. The only good part was we were able to have his daughter 4 days a week, as we were in the same town as her.
We moved back to my hometown and lived in a crappy trailer but we were able to get good jobs were doing better for ourselves. We ended up buying a trailer to get out of the crappy one that we were renting. This one isn't anything special, but it's ours. My stepdaughter has her own room here; even if she doesn't use it, she still has it and I always to make sure to buy clothes in her size so there are always new clothes for her waiting.
We got married in 2012 and it hasn't always been a bed of roses but I wouldn't trade him for anyone. He completes me. We have our fair share of heartbreaks. The biggest being the miscarriage of our Angel. That happened on 2/14/16. We had being trying to conceive and when we stopped and weren't thinking about it we had a miracle happen. Even though it was taken away from us we still have hope of having one. Granted I have almost let go of that hope and have toyed around with the idea of letting go completely but neither of us are able altogether to let it go. But since the miscarriage it is harder to not think about getting pregnant. We have been together 12 years now and he understands I have anxiety and depression, but sometimes he doesn't know how to help or what to do to help. In all honesty sometimes there is nothing he can do but to just let me cry and throw my fit and throw things.
This blog is a start to express all of this and to follow my journey.
I know I have skipped a lot but didn't figure I had to go year by year. Just thought get the basics out there to better understand me might help. Things will start to fill in as time goes on.
