Letting Go?
As others that are on the journey of having their own rainbow, mine has come to an end. I am starting to realize that maybe I just need to let go of the dream I have had since I was little. I just need to accept the fact I was at least able to help raise an amazing step daughter.
No matter how hard I try each month I face the same heartbreak. This month I thought it would be different and I thought my journey for my rainbow was here. But the test this morning decided to tell me otherwise. Now I face that same heartbreak that I have every month before. I can barely stand to watch the news anymore. It seems that the news that I focus on the most is those that are tossing out their children like trash. I always tell myself I wish I could just take the child and show it the love that it deserves. And here I am with the wish of being nothing more than just a mother. I know I have done an amazing job with my stepdaughter, but I still have that emptiness of not having my own. I know on this journey that I am on that I am not alone. But some days it feels like I am very alone. No matter how hard I try I can't keep putting on that fake smile I have grown to be known for. So, besides my horrible check up yesterday at the doctor for my knee, some of her words are ringing deep and I have to decide if I shall go back on my weight loss journey. Along with that journey I shall empty out the room that was all set up for the baby. Instead of having this room I cannot bare to go into alone, I'll make it into a craft room and sell or donate all the items I had collected for the baby. And who knows, that might be a good closer. As I sit here, realizing I need a new dream, my eyes begin to fill with water and a lump forms in the back of my throat. How does one begin to let go of a dream they have had since they were little?
... (days later) ...
So I started this entry a couple of days ago and my heart is still breaking. My eyes still fill with water. How can I give up a dream that I've had so long? I sit and wonder how hard this is gonna be and how long of a battle this is gonna be. I'm an only child, so I feel I somehow have to let my parents know that my dream has been let go of, but I don't think I can. I also have to find a way to let my mother-in-law know, so she will stop asking when she is going to have another grandchild. So I guess this dream-ending is not gonna be easy but I think that first of all I need to focus on letting myself come to terms with it, before letting others know, so they can come to terms with it. As I am working on this entry my heart beats but it's a broken beat. I hold my necklace the hospital gave me when I miscarried and let my angel know, "mommy misses you angel." I look into the sky and see so many stars shining and I wonder which one of them is looking down at me. Please, my angel, help mommy on this journey. She will need help from you. I need the strength for whichever path I take.
... (months later) ...
It has been almost two months since I have started this entry and each day I am still fight letting go of this dream. Each month I am still faced with heart break and I'm at the point I don't think I can let it go. I don't want to let it go. But what if letting it go means I will be able to achieve some sort of happiness? Even if it is empty happiness. I cannot keep letting myself go through getting my hopes up, just to have them crashed down. The months I don't get my hopes up my period is late, and then my hopes go up only to crash down a couple days later. This month even crushed my hopes. My cycle started early but only lasted a day. Tests said negative, so there went those hopes again. I have looked up on the internet about giving up ones dreams and everything says DON'T. I am a big sign believer. I have had this obsession with this one star for months now and always taking pictures of it. The other night I was outside, with the husband, and I pointed it out to him and he reminded me the night we came home from the hospital that was the only star in the sky. That star is my Angel. Now, I have only to figure out what to do next.
So normally, I try to keep my thoughts in line. I do a bubble flow chart, otherwise I have a tendency to let my mind run off. So what I'm gonna do is attempt to get my thoughts out without my bubble chart. So forewarning. The floor of the blog is not gonna be the best and it is going to jump all over the place, as I just let my mind take control. So far this week I have had to go through a lot of ups and downs personally.
It started with a jury selection for a murder trial of a family friend that was murdered over a mere $400. So I've been watching that murder trial online as it streams live and it has not been the easiest to see, as they have shown his final moments in life through security footage. Right now the jury is out deliberating. They did the closing arguments, so I'm just waiting for that to come back and hopefully justice is served. The sad part is it wasn't a random act. The guy that did it was supposedly his best friend. So then I can sit there and think to myself is that why I don't let people get close to me? Because I don't want them to hurt me?
Yeah, I let my husband close because he's my husband and my best friend. I love him with all my heart and soul. . No matter what I'm going through, I can at least talk to my husband about anything and he'll listen. I have talked to my husband about my cycle and he just sit s there and listen through it. I've had him stand in the middle of the living room and just hold me while I break down and cry over anything. Having anxiety and depression can be bumpy ride. I remember when we first started dating before living together my grandfather had gotten really sick and wasn't going to make it. I had called Sean up crying because when my grandfather did pass. At the time Sean and I lived a hour and half apart. I remember Sean telling me he had to let me go when i was crying to him. I got upset with him because I needed him to be that ear that I could cry to. I know he had to work the next night and he would work 12 hour shifts. I remember laying in bed crying and trying to comfort myself. After a hour I remember going outside to let the dog out and there he was pulling up to the house. He didn't want me to know that he was driving up to be with me and comfort me. I fell in love with him even more that moment. He would make other surprise visits to see me and each time I would feel like I was on cloud nine.
He stayed and held me til I fell asleep. I remember falling asleep feeling safe and not a care in the world. From that moment things started to move forward at our own pace. We moved in together. But it wouldn't be for several years that we would decide that we wanted to get married. Our wedding was the most laid back wedding. The wedding planning took almost a year and had several bumps to it. First had to change my maid of honor a month from the wedding date. Then I had to change a bridesmaid the week of the wedding, after all the bulletins had be printed. So we had to sit and white out the bulletins than write the name change. It didn't look the best, but it is what it is. The wedding went really smooth... even though I almost passed out. The pastor had us move and face everyone and when I saw everyone I started to get light headed. At the reception we forgot to cut the cake until later when everyone had eaten and we had our dance. The next thing we knew it was time to tear down and pack it all up.
And now I'm sitting at the doctors office, waiting to get my knee checked out again and my mind just goes completely blank; more than likely cause at any moment someone will either call my name or come into the room and throw off any train of thought I had for the moment.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered what it would be like to be seen through someone else's eyes? I do almost daily. I don't like the number I see on the scale; don't like the reflection in the mirror. I watch what I eat and doesn't seem to matter.
There are days I love myself then there's days I don't, but that's part of my uphill battle I am on. I am hoping that once my knee gets fixed it will be easier for me to continue on my uphill battle.
From time to time I will be having posts that is just my randomness at its finest because when I have a mind full I cant seem to shut it off when spilling it out. I know my randomness is hard to follow because it jumps everywhere and I am sorry about that and will try not to post too many randomness blogs.
If you have made it this far I thank you for taking the time to read and sticking with me.
