Everyday it feels like I have this constant reminder that my body is failing me as a woman. Growing up you get pushed into believing women make babies because that's what their bodies do. But no one explains to you that your body can fail you. From the time I was little, the only thing I ever wanted was to be a mom; a mom to my own child that I have carried and protected.
I have been with my husband 12 years and my body keeps failing me, either with miscarriage or by just not conceiving. I have this current struggle of trying to hold onto my dream... the dream of being a mom to a child I have carried.
I am a wonderful step mom to an amazing almost-14 year old. There is a special bond between us, but still a void of my dream. It seems that daily I'm reminded of my body failing me by the news. So many poor souls getting tossed out like trash and murdered. Each news article brings me to tears for the poor soul. A child is only suppose to know love and nothing but love.
The past while my body has been playing some cruel jokes on me each month. My cycles are regular and they have always come on the day they are supposed to, but lately they have been two to five days late. I went for a check up and nothing is wrong with me and they say there is no reason we shouldn't be conceiving. Hearing that makes my heart break even more.
Does it mean that because nothing is wrong we just don't deserve a child? Does it mean I can't fulfill my dream of being a mother to a child I carry? Yes, I realize I sound pretty selfish right now but until you have walked in my shoes and dealt with the heart break that I have, you have no room to talk. Did you know that 3 out of 4 women go through a miscarriage or stillbirth? And most of them have to sit in silence and go through it alone because people are cruel and don't understand that it's not always the mother's fault for it happening. When I first had mine, the comments that bothered me the most was them saying I must have "done something wrong" for it to happen.
No, it's not always the mother's fault. Yes, I know there are times it is but mine wasn't. The baby just stopped growing and from the start would just mimic my heartbeat when it should of had its own beat pattern with higher beats per minute than mine. My miscarriage was nothing I could of done different to prevent. I made sure to ask. When I was going through the labor of losing our Angel. We were only 9 and half weeks along so we didn't know the sex of our Angel. I refused to take anything for the pain, as I kept blaming myself saying I must have done something wrong and was assured. I checked and checked and nothing I did was wrong.
It took me over 4 hours to finally take something that would help with the pain. I still kept wanting to hold on to that little glimmer of hope that the doctors were wrong and that my baby had a heartbeat of its own. But the truth was our Angel didn't have one. No matter how many tears I shed nothing would change it. No matter how much pain I went through, our Angel wasn't coming back. I remember riding home with my husband that night and when we got home seeing this bright star just flickering in the sky with no other star around. That was our Angel, telling mommy that he/she made it and he/she will be here when your time comes but not any sooner.
I still look up to the sky at night and talk with the stars as if they can hear me. As I am looking up to the stars I pray. I don't care who can hear me when I am doing it as I don't whisper it or just talk in my mind; I actually speak to the stars. It helps me find some sort of calming. It reminds me of a time when I was little and you learn the wishing star saying. "I wish I may, I wish I might, I wish upon the first star I see tonight." After that then I speak either my wish or my prayer.
If anyone is going threw the loss of a miscarriage or having troubles conceiving, please know that you are not alone and that there is always someone that you can talk with. You need to have someone that will listen or relate to you. Please don't be afraid to message me if you are needing someone to listen or if you have questions. I am always willing to listen and help someone else going threw the journey. On this journey and starting to blog I have gained a brother that I have never physically met but he has my back and I'm thankful that he's there pushing me to blog more and share what I'm going threw with people.
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