So normally, I try to keep my thoughts in line. I do a bubble flow chart, otherwise I have a tendency to let my mind run off. So what I'm gonna do is attempt to get my thoughts out without my bubble chart. So forewarning. The floor of the blog is not gonna be the best and it is going to jump all over the place, as I just let my mind take control. So far this week I have had to go through a lot of ups and downs personally.
It started with a jury selection for a murder trial of a family friend that was murdered over a mere $400. So I've been watching that murder trial online as it streams live and it has not been the easiest to see, as they have shown his final moments in life through security footage. Right now the jury is out deliberating. They did the closing arguments, so I'm just waiting for that to come back and hopefully justice is served. The sad part is it wasn't a random act. The guy that did it was supposedly his best friend. So then I can sit there and think to myself is that why I don't let people get close to me? Because I don't want them to hurt me?
Yeah, I let my husband close because he's my husband and my best friend. I love him with all my heart and soul. . No matter what I'm going through, I can at least talk to my husband about anything and he'll listen. I have talked to my husband about my cycle and he just sit s there and listen through it. I've had him stand in the middle of the living room and just hold me while I break down and cry over anything. Having anxiety and depression can be bumpy ride. I remember when we first started dating before living together my grandfather had gotten really sick and wasn't going to make it. I had called Sean up crying because when my grandfather did pass. At the time Sean and I lived a hour and half apart. I remember Sean telling me he had to let me go when i was crying to him. I got upset with him because I needed him to be that ear that I could cry to. I know he had to work the next night and he would work 12 hour shifts. I remember laying in bed crying and trying to comfort myself. After a hour I remember going outside to let the dog out and there he was pulling up to the house. He didn't want me to know that he was driving up to be with me and comfort me. I fell in love with him even more that moment. He would make other surprise visits to see me and each time I would feel like I was on cloud nine.
He stayed and held me til I fell asleep. I remember falling asleep feeling safe and not a care in the world. From that moment things started to move forward at our own pace. We moved in together. But it wouldn't be for several years that we would decide that we wanted to get married. Our wedding was the most laid back wedding. The wedding planning took almost a year and had several bumps to it. First had to change my maid of honor a month from the wedding date. Then I had to change a bridesmaid the week of the wedding, after all the bulletins had be printed. So we had to sit and white out the bulletins than write the name change. It didn't look the best, but it is what it is. The wedding went really smooth... even though I almost passed out. The pastor had us move and face everyone and when I saw everyone I started to get light headed. At the reception we forgot to cut the cake until later when everyone had eaten and we had our dance. The next thing we knew it was time to tear down and pack it all up.
And now I'm sitting at the doctors office, waiting to get my knee checked out again and my mind just goes completely blank; more than likely cause at any moment someone will either call my name or come into the room and throw off any train of thought I had for the moment.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered what it would be like to be seen through someone else's eyes? I do almost daily. I don't like the number I see on the scale; don't like the reflection in the mirror. I watch what I eat and doesn't seem to matter.
There are days I love myself then there's days I don't, but that's part of my uphill battle I am on. I am hoping that once my knee gets fixed it will be easier for me to continue on my uphill battle.
From time to time I will be having posts that is just my randomness at its finest because when I have a mind full I cant seem to shut it off when spilling it out. I know my randomness is hard to follow because it jumps everywhere and I am sorry about that and will try not to post too many randomness blogs.
If you have made it this far I thank you for taking the time to read and sticking with me.
The Daughter I Have
So this past month I have entered this darkness and shut all windows and doors to my darkness. I've tried to come out of this hell but each time I try, something closes that door I just opened. My step daughter lives with her mom, about a hour and half away, and we make attempts every week during the school year to get her for a weekend and we get denied because her mother makes last minute plans and we step back and don't make her cancel the plans... even if it was on the weekend we were suppose to have her. We were suppose to pick her up on the 4th of June and that got denied because her mother started some serious drama and I wouldn't listen or allow her drama to cause problems for us. She has now turned my stepdaughter against us. We haven't spoken with her since the 2nd of June. We have still attempted, but her mother made sure that we are hated and despised.
So that all happened and I had to cancel everything for her birthday party and felt like an ass doing it. My stepdaughter was so happy when we were planning her birthday party and ordering the personalized cake. We had even planned the birthday party to be a week before her birthday so her mother could have her on the day of the actual birthday. I thought we were being nice by doing that. But the woman in all her drama turned that to be a selfish thing that we were doing. She thinks that she isn't hurting my stepdaughter in any of the games she has played since I have been in the picture, but I know my stepdaughter is hurting by it. She has told me. I still remember when Sean and I first started dating and her mom would tell my stepdaughter that I'm a whore and a bitch. So my stepdaughter tried to call me a whore when she was 2 1/2 and that was put to a stop, fast.
I have always tried to communicate with her (the mother) and she breaks the communication and somehow finds a way to blame us and make us to be the bad people in it all. Sometimes I just feel it would be easier to back away and send cards and letters and wait for my step daughter to want to know the truth and see the text messages and hear the calls. I have never lied to her and never will. If she wants to know something, I will tell her and give her all the resources and let her makeup her own mind on things. But before I get much more upset over that subject, I'm gonna move on to the next that has me shut down and locked away.
My Hope to Bear
The next for the "darkness and closed windows" is the struggle with trying to convince again and everyone rubbing pregnancy in my face and making me feel worse than I already do. Yes I know my age and yes I still want a child of my own. I'm not that old to where I can't have one. I don't need to be reminded daily of your thoughts on me having or trying to have a child. I cry myself to sleep enough over it. Ugh. Just thinking of it makes me want to cry and scream.
One of the things that I work with. (I call her a thing because I just can't see eye to eye with her or the things she does.) She thinks that each time she sees me that she has to make comments about me wanting to have a child with my husband. She even made the comment to me that if she got pregnant from her side guy she would go across the border and have an abortion. Why in the world would you say that to someone that is trying to conceive? I would never cheat on her husband, and I don't need to hear about your sex life with how many other guys. Not my thing. Never will be. I don't understand why people get married if they can't be faithful. If your gonna keep cheating on your spouse than get a divorce and save everyone the inevitable heartbreak and drama.
Mother, By Name
Next on my list is realizing I don't mean shit to my mother unless she has the time for me. There is a family friend that got sick and is in the hospital in a coma and from what I heard it's not good. He had a blood clot on the brain. But she didn't tell me until a week later and then just said it like I shouldn't care. (Insert eye roll.) I'm sick of people thinking I won't care or just avoiding me
I'm Not a Doormat
So that leads to next on my list. Everyone avoiding me or not telling me plans change until after the time has come... or always ignoring my calls and texts, except if they need me, because I'm there and answer my phone and texts. But the night I'm sitting outside in the grass crying so hard because I feel so worthless not one person returns my call or text. And none of them even bothered to ask me a week later what I needed. I know I have said this in one of the blogs or somewhere that I am a plus size girl. I'm not huge but I am considered plus size. One of the people I thought was a good friend made some comments about me and not realizing I could see the comments. I sent them a message playing it off as a joke and they tried to say they thought it was someone else that they joke with. That would've been believable had my face not been in the phone and the person and I don't dress alike. Ugh! People!
I am always the first to volunteer to help friends or be there to listen or comfort them. But when I need help or an ear I'm last one everyone's list. I have needed help moving a set of outdoor steps for almost two months now and was told they would help but that never happened so now trying to figure something else out so I can just do it on my own.
My Own Prison
The final thing on my "darkness and closed windows" is myself. When so much goes wrong I can't help but to sit and think it's because of me. Maybe I'm over reacting or maybe I am not as good of a friend as I thought I was. I guess the saying "you are your own worst enemy" is what fits here.
