Letting Go?
As others that are on the journey of having their own rainbow, mine has come to an end. I am starting to realize that maybe I just need to let go of the dream I have had since I was little. I just need to accept the fact I was at least able to help raise an amazing step daughter.
No matter how hard I try each month I face the same heartbreak. This month I thought it would be different and I thought my journey for my rainbow was here. But the test this morning decided to tell me otherwise. Now I face that same heartbreak that I have every month before. I can barely stand to watch the news anymore. It seems that the news that I focus on the most is those that are tossing out their children like trash. I always tell myself I wish I could just take the child and show it the love that it deserves. And here I am with the wish of being nothing more than just a mother. I know I have done an amazing job with my stepdaughter, but I still have that emptiness of not having my own. I know on this journey that I am on that I am not alone. But some days it feels like I am very alone. No matter how hard I try I can't keep putting on that fake smile I have grown to be known for. So, besides my horrible check up yesterday at the doctor for my knee, some of her words are ringing deep and I have to decide if I shall go back on my weight loss journey. Along with that journey I shall empty out the room that was all set up for the baby. Instead of having this room I cannot bare to go into alone, I'll make it into a craft room and sell or donate all the items I had collected for the baby. And who knows, that might be a good closer. As I sit here, realizing I need a new dream, my eyes begin to fill with water and a lump forms in the back of my throat. How does one begin to let go of a dream they have had since they were little?
... (days later) ...
So I started this entry a couple of days ago and my heart is still breaking. My eyes still fill with water. How can I give up a dream that I've had so long? I sit and wonder how hard this is gonna be and how long of a battle this is gonna be. I'm an only child, so I feel I somehow have to let my parents know that my dream has been let go of, but I don't think I can. I also have to find a way to let my mother-in-law know, so she will stop asking when she is going to have another grandchild. So I guess this dream-ending is not gonna be easy but I think that first of all I need to focus on letting myself come to terms with it, before letting others know, so they can come to terms with it. As I am working on this entry my heart beats but it's a broken beat. I hold my necklace the hospital gave me when I miscarried and let my angel know, "mommy misses you angel." I look into the sky and see so many stars shining and I wonder which one of them is looking down at me. Please, my angel, help mommy on this journey. She will need help from you. I need the strength for whichever path I take.
... (months later) ...
It has been almost two months since I have started this entry and each day I am still fight letting go of this dream. Each month I am still faced with heart break and I'm at the point I don't think I can let it go. I don't want to let it go. But what if letting it go means I will be able to achieve some sort of happiness? Even if it is empty happiness. I cannot keep letting myself go through getting my hopes up, just to have them crashed down. The months I don't get my hopes up my period is late, and then my hopes go up only to crash down a couple days later. This month even crushed my hopes. My cycle started early but only lasted a day. Tests said negative, so there went those hopes again. I have looked up on the internet about giving up ones dreams and everything says DON'T. I am a big sign believer. I have had this obsession with this one star for months now and always taking pictures of it. The other night I was outside, with the husband, and I pointed it out to him and he reminded me the night we came home from the hospital that was the only star in the sky. That star is my Angel. Now, I have only to figure out what to do next.
